Last to the party

It doesn't matter what it is... flash trainers, trendy jeans, mobile phones, games consoles, laptops, smart phones, tablets... I was then, and am even now, the last one to get the cool, new thing.

When I was at high school everyone had the Head sports bag for a school bag. I don't remember how much they cost, but I didn't have one until my last year of high school, by which point they were commonplace and not all that cool anymore.

During the same time, everyone who was anyone wore Levi's 501s. Again, I was the last one to have a pair and, by the time I did, I had left school and the people I hung around with were working and had the money for cooler clothes than me, anyway.

My first mobile phone was a hideous Motorola brick from 1995, by which time, my friends had much nicer phones that mine. I got a PlayStation when everyone else was splurging on the PS2; a very nice stereo with multiple cd changer when everyone was switiching to iPod; a laptop when everyone I knew had one half the size and weight and got my first smart phone - the Samsung Galaxy S3 mini - the day before the Samsung Galaxy S5 came out (but most of my friends had an iPhone 5).

Thankfully, it doesn't bother me too much not being able to afford these things when they are shiny, new gadgets or fashions, but I guess what I am trying to say is that if I had the money, then I would probably be one of those people who pre-orders these delightful things.

Is it possible to think of yourself as materialistic when you can wait for things? Or have I just been conditioned into patience through my own fiscal shortcomings?

I don't mind not even having the latest model or shiniest, new item now...

...but, I have thoroughly enjoyed sitting here in a coffee shop, writing this blog post on my iPad Air with the gorgeous keyboard/cover that I got for Christmas. For now, I'm more than contented to be the cat that has gotten some of the cream before it's all gone.

Why old people are grumpy

I have finally figured it out. The reason that kids always think old people are grumpy and boring is because they are - everyone knows this.

I have figured out what it is that makes it so difficult to be the same happy person you were when you were a child.

When the 1st of January ticks around, people, usually, are filled with a sense of blessed renewal. Some people have become cynical to this, I know, but for most of us it's the same.

As the year begins, I start to think of what I am going to do and maybe what projects I have coming up. Possibly even who's birthdays are soon. It was this that made me realise why I am not the fun-
loving happy, smiley child I once was.

The answer is anniversaries. Bad ones. Once March begins, so does my annual cycle of things I would rather not have to remember. The anniversary of my Pop dying. The anniversary of my Gran dying. What should have been my wedding anniversary... etc., etc., etc.

As the years go by, our lives get filled with some wonderful memories, but also the events that break our hearts too. The older you get, the more of them there will be.

If you're like me, then each year has some sunny days, a lot of grey days and some truly dark ones. There are people who are good at not thinking of such things or are, at the very least, good at not showing that they have any effect. I'm not one of those and I don't think that your average person in the street is either.

I think that everyone's year gets just that little bit darker as they get older, until you turn into something that barely resembles the child who lived mostly in the sunshine.

I will acknowledge that there are those people for who the light never really leaves them. My Pop, God rest his soul, was one of those. Even well into his eighties you could still see the kid inside and he was a very cheery and pleasant person to be around. Only the leukemia took that from him in the last couple years of his life, but that much is understandable.

This year I am going to try and combat this ever-growing number of dark days by making some very bright and sunny memories. Maybe that way, as I get older, my year will be more happy and bright and I will be able to ward off the darker days ahead.

Doctor Who and the Clunk of Betrayal

I still remember the first time I saw the T.A.R.D.I.S.
There on that forbidden planet.

I knew the possibilities. I knew what could lie within; somehow I just knew.

I already knew all about The Doctor and the adventures he and his time-travelling sidekicks have. In that box of delights.
That's why I recognised the T.A.R.D.I.S. straight away.

That's why I knew I had to have it.

It has been in my possession for some time now, but I have never made it work the way the Doctor does. All it does is take up room in my house.

I have made good use of it, though.

I go in there sometimes.

The missus knows about it, but she doesn't approve if I visit it too often.

Getting in and out is fine, when she's not around... I can sometimes get in there and make a silent exit even if she's in the next room.

Tonight, when I thought she was fast asleep, I got in and out without making a sound, but as I was putting the lid back on, she heard the ceramic 'clunk' and woke up to berate me for yet another visit.

Betrayed, by the box of delights.

THANK THE STARS!

It's a Christmas miracle!

Today is the first time I have been able to access my blog for absolutely ages! Every time I tried to log in, I have had to change the password and try to login, only to see that I have a blank dashboard and no sign of my previous posts.

So, at least my recent silence has been more to do with stoopid technology, rather than my apathy.

Quick update.... it's been a funny old year. Drifted further apart from some people and had others come back into my life. Work has been up and down too. I was let go from, what I thought was, a very secure job and have found other work, only to have to stop, while I have suffered from two prolapsed discs in my back. Not fun. The fact that I have put on a fair bit of weight might have something to do with it.

Anyway... Christmas is done now and I am filled with the fervour of new possibilities. The missus & I have joined the gym and I have to go for an epidural injection in a few weeks.

I would dearly love to get my book finished and published before summer is over, so, I kinda have my work cut out for me on that score.

Want to get moved to a bigger house in a nicer place (sorry East London, but I have had enough), want to get wedding plans sorted and hopefully start a family...

2015 - you're up!

The Year of the Dragon finally came good

I'm a Dragon.

I was born in 1976, which makes me a Fire Dragon and that is supposed to be the best of the best. Apparently.

I was quite optimistic for 2012/2013 and had hoped that there were loads of amazing things in store.

There were some massively amazing things that did happen... although I didn't get back into the army, I managed to train myself to the fittest level I've seen in a very long time... I worked full-time (doing back-breaking 11-hour days on a building site!) for the first time in years, albeit only for a month... I passed 2 years non-smoking in October, making it officially yearS since I quit!

Anyway... a succession of seriously messed up flatmates has seen my mental and emotional well-being tested to its' absolute limit. Having a horrible landlord and a damp & mouldy bedroom hasn't helped either.

Safe to say, I was having a bloody awful start to 2013. And yet, it's funny how something good can sneak up on you when you're not looking.

My flatmates and I have all been given 2 months notice to vacate the flat we live in and, needless to say, I was panicking about a lack of money and somewhere new to house myself and my cat.

I haven't got anywhere to live yet, but this has all focused my mind and now I've finally managed to find myself a full-time job. This marks the first full-time job that wasn't a temporary position since before I went to university.

The interview was last Tuesday and my first shift was today. I'm working as a telephone fundraiser. It's not my ultimate career goal, but it'll will do perfectly well until then. I like the fact that I can finish work knowing that I've done something good.

All of this has come just in time to beat Chinese New Year this Sunday. Is there anything in it? Who knows?

If it is, it's better late than never.

The world hasn't ended (so far... it's only 9am!)

The end of the Mayan long count calendar is today (unless you believe all the pedants out there who have claimed that no-one ever took into account variations in the Gregorian calendar, in which case it has already been and gone without a hitch.) I woke up to find that the world had not ended and that it was just Friday.

Good. I kinda like the world being un-destroyed, thanks.

I don't want to bang on about silly apocalypse theories, so instead I'd like to focus on something I read from someone else, which is that there is a very strong likelihood that Mayans would have only perceived this as a new beginning; much the same way we do every year on December 31st. It doesn't actually mean anything to anyone, except humans.

What I will be focusing on, in many ways over the next few weeks, is new beginnings. I have, as you can see from the sporadic nature of my blogging, found inspiration hard to come by. There are many reasons for this, but none of them is of the slightest use to me as an excuse.

I will be far more prolific, proactive and creative from now on and have even formulated something of a plan to help achieve this. I have a new and far more powerful computer, which I am going to use to retrain myself in the field of graphic design/digital art, but am also going to keep writing both my blog and my novel(s).

On a slight tangent - I managed to quit smoking after 21 years because of a shift in my mindset towards it. This feels very much the same sort of shift. I realise that I am now middle-aged and have yet to achieve even a fraction of what I am truly capable.

It's not just a case of a Shawshank-esque "Get busy living or get busy dying"... no, it's much more of a Top Gun-esque "It's bottom of the 9th; the score is tied. It's time for the big one!" Although, I am prepared to admit that there will be a smattering of urgency in what I am planning.

There is never a shortage of those who tell themselves and others "This is my/your year!"
2013 will be my year. And so will every other year after it.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and the first of many more positively wonderful and inspiring New Years!

Here's where I'm at...

Welcome back!

I know it's been a long time, but life has kind of... got in the way... shall we say?

It has taken a long time for the creative side of me to revert back to writing, but I got here eventually.

So much has happened since I last updated the blog, so I shall attempt to summarise what has happened in the last couple of years...

Remember the panic attacks (from earlier posts)? Well, they were still happening up until a couple of months ago, along with chest pains and a constant fear of heart attack, stroke and, ultimately, death. Fortunately, a mere five and a bit years after they started, I seem to be over them.

A lot of this has probably to do with major lifestyle changes. I quit smoking in October 2010, after 21 and a half years of it. I had to use nicotine patches, but I did it! I know for definite that I've cracked it, since I am able to go out and get absolutely hammered and not smoke at all (this was always where I fell down during previous attempts). It has made a huge difference to my general well-being and I have (as you obviously expect) noticed all the little improvements that come along with it, such as whiter teeth and no more constant coughing.

The patches were a help but they weren't the main reason for me being able to quit.

I am very sad to say that in October last year my Mum died. She had a massive heart attack that left her brain starved of oxygen for too long before my Dad found her. Although he valiantly got her heart started again, there was too much brain damage and she never recovered. She died only five hours after the doctors turned off the respirator. She was 55 years old.

Me and my Mum in Edinburgh, 2003

She had been diagnosed with throat cancer in April of 2010 and had undergone an awful surgery known as a laryngectomy. This was to completely remove her vocal chords, which the cancer was thoroughly entwined in, making any other treatment almost certainly ineffective.

My Mum defined herself by her articulate and verbose nature, which made this the cruelest of forms of cancer for her to contract, but it wasn't without its warning. She had had to have her vocal chords scraped free of calcium deposits a few years prior to this and had been told, in no uncertain terms, to quit smoking immediately. Sadly, she did not have the willpower to manage this.

The surgery was a success, but the stoma (the £2-coin-sized hole in her neck) did not heal properly and she remained in hospital to undergo further surgery for a muscle graft from her breast to her neck. This proved extremely painful to her for the rest of her life, but she battled on regardless.

Once she was finally free of the hospital, almost 3 months later, she had been fitted with a speech valve that, at least, gave her a way of communicating that didn't involve lip-reading or notepad & pen. Bizarrely, when she used it, my family and I agreed that she still sounded as though she had a Scottish accent, which shouldn't have been possible, but, nevertheless, she did!

 My Mum had a 'silent heart attack' in August of 2011, which is something I had never heard of until then. Apparently, it's possible have a heart attack so minor that you don't recognise what it is. It was only by chance that the doctors found it at all. I didn't make it up to Scotland to see her until the September, but I am very glad that I did.

During my visits, over the years, Mum and I had certain... habits. One of which was to stay up for the entire night talking. Usually while drinking stupid amounts of coffee and smoking an inordinate amount of cigarettes. My last visit to see her was minus the cigarettes, but we stayed up very late drinking coffee and chatting away (as best she could with a speech valve!)

Now, I have rare moments in my life when I can see the big picture and know exactly what to do and this was one of those times. Though I was sat with my Mum and could see she was clearly well enough to have been discharged from hospital, something compelled me to start a very particular conversation with her.

I asked her if we could talk about all the things that we would want to have said to each other after she was dead. I wanted to say to her face the things people always wish they had had the time or the foresight to say. I wanted to to leave nothing unsaid between us and I told her exactly that.

We spoke at length about how we felt about each other and, unsurprisingly, we both ended up crying. They were tears tinged with happiness, though, since all of what we were saying to each other was a huge outpouring of love between a mother and her son. We left nothing unsaid before we eventually went to bed that night. I am so extremely grateful to have had this time with her. There are so many in the world who never get the chance.

When I left to come home, it was only to be a few weeks until I was back again to celebrate my parents Silver Wedding Anniversary. She died before it happened and was buried the day after the actual anniversary itself.

I have grieved quite heavily since then. She was the single most important person in my entire life and my best friend. Although I have had many days where I have done nothing but cry, I feel that I am over the very worst of it. There will always be a huge hole in my life where this tiny wee woman ought to be.

Other big news, for me, at least, is that almost immediately upon my return from her funeral, I decided to go to the local Battersea Cat & Dog Home and get myself a kitten. I got her on Halloween and she is almost entirely black, so when I was thinking of what to name her, I chose something fitting and Gaelic. Her name is Cailleach Dubh, which means 'Black Witch'.

Unintentionally, this has been shortened to Caley, which, strangely, was my Mum's nickname (from an online user name she had).

I have only ever had family pets (other than two goldfish, but I don't count them). This is the first time I have ever had a pet that was my own. She is lovely. Very affectionate, completely mad at times and almost a year old now, which makes her 12 in cat years, apparently.

Now that my Mum has gone, I have no reason to hold back in my reapplication to join the Territorial Army. I sent in my paperwork last month and am waiting to be given a date for my medical and some sort of aptitude test. In the meantime, I have gone all out in my pursuit of physical fitness. It's only a relatively recent thing, but I am being incredibly strict about what I am eating, as well as the amount and type of training I am doing. I have never felt so dedicated to something before and am feeling the same way about food and fitness as I do about not smoking - i.e. I have started now and am doing well... I couldn't handle the feelings of disappointment if I fail to be strict enough with it now.

I was weighed a little over 3 weeks ago at the heaviest I have ever been - a whopping 248 lbs (that's 17 stone 10 pounds or 112.5 kgs). Since I started training, in earnest, I have shed 18 lbs. I have managed to cut out fat, sugar and white carbohydrates from my diet, as well as ditching booze and bread. I feel amazing and have found the website www.myfitnesspal.com to be a great help in tracking my food.

Unfortunately, one of the biggest drawbacks to stopping smoking was that everything suddenly tasted amazing! Combine that with the drinking I did after Mum died and I steadily got bigger and bigger. I'm still not guaranteed to pass the medical for the TA, but, if I fail to get in, I am damned-sure it won't be because I'm not fit enough!

My ultimate goal here is to get back into the TA and get trained up in time to get on, what is looking likely to be, the last tour of Afghanistan. I will take everything else after that as it comes, but if I get what I'm after, I could be deployed by the latter stages of 2013. Fingers crossed.

I am going to leave this for now, but I am promising myself that I will be on here more often from now on.

Hopefully, you will be too!